Simon.

This is Simon. He’s 11 years old, and he’s my baby.

This last week, while I’ve been at college suffering through classes and tests… he’s been suffering for real.

He had a stroke on Wednesday night, according to my mom. He was taken to the vet and kept til Thursday where the vet (not our usual doctor) called us and proclaimed that he was “normal.” My mother said when she picked him up, he couldn’t use his back legs and didn’t seem to know who he was anymore. She took him back to the vet on Friday (hoping he’d get better once he was home) and raised holy Hell until our usual vet told her he’d check Simon out for free and wouldn’t let the other woman touch him. He did bloodwork and a protein that indicates muscle damage was off the charts. He warned mom that this is just the beginning—another one might happen next week, next month, who knows and to be ready to say goodbye.

He’s home now and mom said he’s back to himself except he walks with a limp in his back left leg. Apparently the clot didn’t dissolve enough to stop nerve/muscle damage from occuring there. He hasn’t meowed since the stroke, either. So, I’m going home next weekend to see him (just in case).

Who am I to complain about tests or stress or claim to love him when I wasn’t there. He was hurting and I wasn’t there. It’s like Sophie all over again.

I don’t want him to die. Why is this happening? Why him? Why can’t the vet make him better?

Why why why? Not my Simon. How could he get so sick? He’s been so healthy. He never acted old, he was always vibrant and playful and cuddly. He’s my kitty. He’s been my kitty since I was ten.

I don’t know what to do… He isn’t going to get better.






I don’t want him to die.

A moment to stop, think, and reflect on my beliefs

“Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”- Marcus Aurelius ♥

‎"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of reward after death."
- Albert Einstein

If God loves me as much as theists say he does, then he may accept me as I am. If he does not, then how can I accept him? I ask of any deity what I ask of my fellow humans--love me for me, accept me because I am human, and know that I am trying my best.

I don't need any book, pastor, rabbi, imam, shaman, or priest to define my relationship with God. It's personal and different for every creature that graces this Earth. I'd rather be judged for my actions + my intentions than by my faith or doubt. I love God, he helped make me who I am now, and surely he knows that. c:

And if I'm perchance wrong, then I guess I'll find out. Until then, I'll continue being a good person simply for the sake of being a good person--even if I'm not "rewarded" in the end at least I helped make this world a better place.

Amen.

A moment to pause and think of a feasible alternative

From my advisor:

I have attached information on the CLS minors in Chemistry/Hematology and Hematology/Immunohematology. There is no Chem/Heme major, only a major in Clinical Laboratory Science. If you choose to do the Chemistry/Hematology minor, you would need to change your major to another department, such as Biology.

I have also worked out a sample curriculum for the Chemistry/Hematology minor if you choose to do that one. The thing to keep in mind is that if you change your major, you will probably have additional courses to take to meet those requirements. I looked at the requirements for a B.S. in Biology as an example, and if the department will not accept your CLS courses as electives towards the Biology degree, you might have to take an additional 36 credits to complete that degree.

To switch to a minor, you would have to submit a change of major form to the Registrar, and let them know you are taking a minor as well. Check to see when the deadline for this is. You can begin the minor pathway in January, since you are already in the program.

With regard to the national certification exam (there is no state version), you would take two exams instead of one. You would not take the generalist exam that the CLS graduates take, but a categorical certification exam for each area of your minor. You would need to take two exams, one for Chemistry and one for Hematology. This works out to be more expensive, because the fee for each exam is $210.

You would not necessarily be as valuable to an employer as someone who has a full CLS degree, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t get a job. A lot of laboratories hire lab professionals for limited areas of the lab, such as Chemistry and Hematology.

Whether you could graduate in 2013 depends on the major you switch to and how long it takes you to complete those course requirements.

If you take the Chem/Heme minor, you would still go through clinical rotations.

If you have any other questions, please let me know.

It's an option I am considering.

A moment I never thought I would have...

Have you ever had to make a really hard decision? Of course you have, everyone has at some point. So far, my decisions haven't been too difficult (to study or not to study? What a stupid question!)... until now.

I don't know what I'm going to do, cyberspace. I don't know if I can stay in this program. I love the lab, I love hematology and immunology and chemistry but... oh god, I don't know if I can stay as long as Dr. S is teaching microbiology. It's so hard.

You've read my posts, so you know that when I say "It's hard" that I'm not just bitching or whining. There are two kinds of hard: the first kind is when something challenges you, but you're happy to do it (or at least you're not miserable doing it). It makes you think in a good way and occupies your mind. You feel like you're really doing something worthwhile and you retain the information.

The second kind, though... that's the kind of hard that micro is. It's soul-crushingly difficult and you can barely get through it without getting upset or angry. It makes you miserable and you can't bear to think of doing it for the rest of your life.

You can probably already tell where this is going. I feel like a loser for even thinking this. It might be different if she only taught one class but Dr. S teaches micro, abnormal micro, parasitology, and molecular diagnostics. Not only that, but her teaching (I use that term loosely) style is the same for every class... I don't think I can handle being her student for much longer. Especially not in those upper-level classes.

I'll give it til the end of this semester. I'm failing micro right now. Literally failing. I have an F. I need a low C to be able to stay and a D will either land me a meeting to petition if I can stay or have me booted. If I can't manage a passing grade in micro... I'll have to change my major.

To what? To Pathology Assistant, I guess. I don't know. If I switch majors, I'll need to go back and finish my pre-req's for it and apply and even then the GI Bill will only fund two more years of school. After that, I'll need to get a job and a student loan or two. Put off marrying John for even longer.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to switch majors but right now it feels like giving up my dream would be less painful than struggling with Dr. S and her impossible courses.

What do I do, cyberspace? I feel so lost.




Stay safe,
That⊗neChick

The happiest moment I've had in a long while...

My doctor finally got back to me!

My test results are normal and the likely cause of my joint pain is hypermobility of my joints (I was born that way, can't be fixed) and a slight vitamin D deficiency.

So what now? I need to continue taking my vitamin D supplements, try to move around more, and find an NSAID pain reliever that works well for managing what will likely be chronic pain. All in all, it's great news since they were suspecting a connective tissue disorder. My doc wants me to have a follow-up in December (I don't know why) but I doubt I'll be seeing her again.


<sub>No, I'm not really that flexible, though I'm sure if I tried I could be. My hands and ankles can hyperextend, though, which sucks since I'm prone to hurting my ankles. /clumsy

Also, this picture is really funny and totally relevant.</sub> 

Stay safe,
That⊗neChick

I spend too many moments crying about microbiology

Hello again, cyberspace. I'm alive, barely.



I've been so down-trodden lately. It's no secret that the CLS program is a rigorous one. I'm in classes four days a week from 9am until 4:30pm and I have 4h exams every Monday--plus quizzes and lab practicals throughout the week. It requires a lot of commitment and even more work to get through this 2 year degree program.



Lately, though, I've been wondering why I worked so hard to get into this program. Don't get me wrong--I love it--but I'm not happy anymore and it's all over one class (technically two if you're counting the lab). It's had me crying nearly every day and feeling completely hopeless. The intensity of this single class' workload is going to break me someday--I just know it.



I return to my dorm every day with an aching back from the weight of my backpack and stressed out to the point of yelling (or crying). I'm always irate and I can feel myself getting snippy, especially at the end of the day. I'm not myself.



The material isn't hard, per say, it's just so much to know. I literally cannot memorize something that my professor shows me for a few minutes over a teaching scope or mentions in class. If I could, I'd be getting a pathology degree! As it is, I cannot. It feels like too much for a single person to know--a lot of the information feels very diagnostic (not my job) and it's organized in a way that's very different than what I'll be using in real life.



In real life the laboratory is organized into sub-sections based on where the fluid/sample came from (wound/blood, urine, respiratory, etc) and in class we're learning based on the organism species (Staphylococcus sp, Streptococcus sp, Enterococcus sp, Neiserra, etc). I can see why it's taught by species, each species tends to have a trend of behavior and you can narrow down to a specific organism more easily once it's identified. I get that. I just feel like the amount of information we're required to know is way too much--especially considering I can't devote all of my time to one class, I have 3 other classes and 2 other labs to know everything for as well.



Tests are huge in that class. They're honestly more like finals than tests (and quizzes are like tests). My first 4h exam was over 250 points spread over a hundred multiple guess and matching and then at least 10-15 full blown essay questions. It took me 3 and a half hours to take it and I got a 71 after studying for a week in advance. The scary thing? A 71 is actually a really good score for my major.



Does anyone else see that as a problem? I feel like getting C's across the board should not count as "very good". I think that if one class takes up so much time, energy and effort that students cannot make A's and B's in other classes then something needs to change. This is especially so for people like me who are here on GI Bills or other government funding that require a 2.5 GPA or higher to remain in school. If the people in charge of my funding see me getting C's they're going to think that I'm not trying hard enough and pull me, even though I've been killing myself for those grades.



Speaking of killing myself, I was sick all last weekend with a 102 degree fever and couldn't really study for my most recent test and I know I flunked it. I can't even sugarcoat it--I failed it. The worst part? A lot of the questions on the test hadn't even been covered until this week. I'm sure my classmates and I will raise hell about this once we get the grades back (yikes) but even so--those questions should not have been there. It's unfair to us.



I've honestly never cried during a test (after? yes) but halfway through the test I just broke down and cried silently for a little while.



Every day is a bad day when I have this class. My friends have learned to not ask when they know I've had it because I get stressed out just thinking about it. I honestly feel bad about myself. I think less of myself, I contemplate some pretty unhealthy thoughts more often than I care to admit, I'm not excited or inspired to learn about that subject anymore...



Rather, I've grown to despise it. That shouldn't happen. I'm trying to stay strong, I truly am. I want to overcome and I want to succeed.



Things are just hard right now.

Stay safe,
That⊗neChick

So how many more moments am I gonna have to wait until I get an answer?

So... I saw the doctor on the 6th.

Good news: None of my tests are indicative of Rheumatoid Arthritis. I don't have any of the telltale inflammation that comes with it--so yay.

Bad news: My primary physician who did my initial bloodwork only did an ANA screen, not an ANA titer. Basically what that means is that while my screen is positive they don't know how positive it is. If my titer is below 1:320 then that means I don't have any connective tissue disorder. If it's above 1:320, then it means that my doctor needs to do more tests to find out what's wrong with me.

So, please let it be below 1:320!

Antinuclear Antibody Test Also, ANA may become positive before signs and symptoms of an autoimmune disease develop, so it may take time to tell the meaning of a positive ANA in a person who does not have symptoms. Most positive ANA results don't have significance, so physicians should reassure their patients but should also still be vigilant for development of signs and symptoms that might suggest an autoimmune disease.

That makes me feel a bit better, but I won't be really okay until I get the lab tests back.


Stay safe,
That⊗neChick