It`s currently 1:25 in the morning. Despite my AC being on, my room is too warm and I`m writing by the ever-constant light of my desk lamp (currently across the room, as I am in bed), the television (which is never turned off) and with my laptop`s mic on mute.
Some of that probably sounds a bit odd so I`ll explain. The light is on because while I am afraid of the dark, I cannot sleep when the entire room is lit up by the overhead light. Also, said overhead light is a fluorescent light and, by the very nature of fluorescent lights, it`s ineveryway ugly.
I`m afraid of the dark for two reasons: creepypasta and the Slender Man. I have already discussed the Slender Man and I wouldn`t advise you to read any creepypasta unless you have a high tolerance to frightening (realistic) stories. The only time I can sleep with the lights off is when I`m sharing a bed with my fiance.
Yes, when I go to his house we share the same bed. Not so at my own house because my parents have stricter rules. I think mostly its because of a double standard for sons and daughters. As their son, my soon to be parents in law, trust my fiance with me. Parents know their sons and so seem to be more lenient with allowing them to have the door shut/sleepover in the same bed. My parents, however, have a daughter (me) and inherently distrust every male around me. Hence the separation. Also, he couldn`t sleep upstairs in my room anyway since there`s A) only one shower up there and B) we have to consider my sister`s comfort, too. She wouldn`t want to have a man up there when she`s exiting the shower in her towel or something.
Back on topic.
As for the TV always being on, its something my ex-roommate and I did to deter people from messing around our room when we were both in class. We left it on so it sounded like people were in there and they wouldn`t screw around or possibly try to break in. I do it now for the same reason, but leave it on at night because I don`t particularly enjoy the quiet. At home I usually keep my iPod on or camp out in the living room under the guise of falling asleep on the couch.
My mic is muted because my fiance and I sleep with skype on. Its a comfort thing for both of us. I`m prone to insomnia and nightmares and it`s nice to wake up and see his face if I`m frightened. It makes him easily accessible to me when I`m upset--I can simply call his name and he`ll be awake. It comforts him for the same reason--if I am scared or upset he can be there for me in real time. I have the mic muted so I don`t wake him with my typing.
Honestly, he doesn`t even know this exists and I would like to keep it that way. I`m not leading some secret internet life or doing anything bad, per say, I just like having something that is entirely mine. No friends besides the twins know about this, so it isn`t like I`m excluding him from this and letting everyone else in like some malicious inside joke. It`s not that complicated. I simply wanted a place to be able to record my thoughts and have it be entirely, 100% mine.
He is my friend on facebook and deviantART (my other social networking sites). That is perfectly fine and I like it that way. The only problem is that facebook is known to cause problems in young relationships. It has before between us and has since caused me to reevaluate how I act online.
I`m a naturally friendly person. I wasn`t for a good chunk of my life, but since highschool I have come more into my own and I am a bit of an optimist. I`m quick to trust people and since I never fake who I am (online or elsewhere) I don`t usually expect anyone else to be fake either. I naively posted pictures of my real face on deviantART and had the tendency to "friend" someone if they had enough friends in common with me. My fiance pointed out (rather badly at first) that my outlook on the internet and, as a result of that outlook, my actions might put me at risk for real life danger.
In fact, on deviantART it has happened once on my current account and has partially caused me to deactivate my other accounts. Why? Because I`m too friendly and males online tend to perceive it as flirting. One male on my current account not only harassed me, but after I blocked him, harassed my fiance as well. We both have him blocked and it seems as if he has given up on me. I took down all my photos that had me in them and have since focused on my writing and drawing skills. I sometimes take pictures of things around me, but I currently lack a proper camera so the pictures are of poor quality.
As for facebook, I don`t have many friends at all and have since deleted most of my male friends if only because I don`t really talk to them nor care much about their updates. In fact, most of them were less friends and more "oh, that one guy in my graduating class." Others I deleted because I knew they had crushes on me and I figured it would be kinder to simply unfriend them (with an explanation) than subject them to seeing lovey posts to and from my fiance.
Don`t take it the wrong way. He isn`t controlling me and he isn`t abusive. Sure, he might go about some things the wrong way but overall he really is just trying to protect me from myself. More specifically, my tendency to trust first, question later.
I personally think part of the differences in our thought patterns comes from the age difference between us. I am 20, he is 22. Two years may seem small, but in terms of brain maturity it`s huge. I`ll be the first to admit I can`t quite think ahead enough to the consequences of my actions sometimes. He can do that much better than I can--because his brain is simply more developed (more "adult") than mine is. It isn`t sexist, its simple biological fact.
I feel like I`m rambling and I probably am. Oh well, pressing on!
Why did I start this blog? Well I`m not sure what the "consequences" of this may be (darn you, immature brain) so that`s part of it. I want to see where this goes. Another reason I mentioned is that I want something that is mine. Kind of like a diary or something. I can post my unedited thoughts here and not worry about my friends/family/fiance thinking ill of me or getting their feelings hurt or thinking I`m a nut.
I don`t have to worry about watchers waiting for updates (speaking of, I haven`t posted on dA lately and now I feel bad for leaving them hanging). I don`t have to censor myself for my family--especially my more religious and politically minded family who would have an attack if they knew where I slept when I visited John. I don`t have to edit myself for my friends whose feelings might get hurt by some of the things I may post. Sometimes a girl needs to vent, you know? I don`t need to edit myself for my fiance because I know he would worry about me. Again: venting.
Not to say that I don`t appreciate followers and comments--because I do.
My updates won`t be philosophical or have some sort of convoluted story. I may update with some rant, or about CLSC, or even about the Slender Man (I toyed with the idea of making this a Slenderblog but decided against it for my own sanity--but yes, I am still entrenched within the ARG`s and, as such, the mythos is a part of my life). I am the same as everyone else, blindly stumbling through life and trying to make the best of the hand Fate has dealt me.
This is about me. My thoughts. My feelings. My life. I have no message to send to the world aside from:
I exist. I am here. I have a voice. And I type in run-on sentences.
Stay safe and enjoy the little moments.
-That⊗neChick
