Something about reading makes me want to write. I'm not sure what it is, I just feel the overwhelming desire to get words on paper. Text on screen.
I've been listening to Vienna Teng a lot as of late. Her voice is so haunting.
I miss John. Sometimes things get so lost between words and text, speech and screen. I want to share everything with him. My thoughts and feelings and I want to have a conversation with him like we used to. Talk about real things, outside of us. Ideas, people, places... the future. When did we stop sending letters? When did I stop writing my heart out to him? I take it for granted that I can text him all day and skype him at night.
We speak in texts and text and yet we don't talk about anything substantial. No more late-night chat sessions and PM'ing until one of us just had to go to bed. God, I miss it. How do I revive it? I want him back, I want his mind. His words. Not just his love, not just his acceptance. I don't want "Okay sweetheart" I want a discussion!
It's my fault, though. The fact that the discussions went away. They went away when my feelings surfaced and bubbled and dissolved into I love, I love, I love you over and over.
Don't misunderstand: I do love him still. I love him more than anything. I just want the old aspects of our original friendship back--before the "I love you"s muddled our thoughts.
He is so intelligent, and so am I, and I miss using that intelligence when talking to him. Do my parents have those kinds of discussions? Did they ever? Did they lose them, too?
I don't know. I wish he was here. I could hold his face in my hands and feel the warmth that radiates from him... we could talk. Really talk the way you only can when you're in real life and not on the other side of a screen. I want to tell him about everything I'm learning and hold his hands and really see his smile and go on ice cream or coffee dates and just connect.
Connect our hearts and our minds. I want to take him everywhere. New York, Monterey, the Outer Banks, everywhere I've been and everywhere I've never been.
I hate being so far apart.
I wish I could read to him.
Stay safe,
-That⊗neChick
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Relived Moments
So, I'm alive. Barely.
I've done some math, and while it may not be my best subject, I'm certain that my calculations have not failed me.
My two lowest grades in microbiology lab will be dropped, pulling my current 69 up to a 75--which, on the 10 point scale that my university uses, is a well-earned C. Music is still a bit dismal, since it's a 71... an incredibly low C, but still a C nonetheless. After the discussion board gets graded and once I take my final, that C will likely become a low B.
Other than that, my likely grade in biochemistry is a B, with an A in the lab, and an A or B in microbiology lecture depending on if I'm pleased with my current 88 or take the final to see if I can manage an A on it. In sociology I'm still confused on if I have a B or not, as my math seemed incorrect when I calculated my grade. Once my professor e-mails me back I'll know for sure.
Stay safe,
That⊗neChick
I've done some math, and while it may not be my best subject, I'm certain that my calculations have not failed me.
My two lowest grades in microbiology lab will be dropped, pulling my current 69 up to a 75--which, on the 10 point scale that my university uses, is a well-earned C. Music is still a bit dismal, since it's a 71... an incredibly low C, but still a C nonetheless. After the discussion board gets graded and once I take my final, that C will likely become a low B.
Other than that, my likely grade in biochemistry is a B, with an A in the lab, and an A or B in microbiology lecture depending on if I'm pleased with my current 88 or take the final to see if I can manage an A on it. In sociology I'm still confused on if I have a B or not, as my math seemed incorrect when I calculated my grade. Once my professor e-mails me back I'll know for sure.
Stay safe,
That⊗neChick
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Panicked Moments
I feel ill, cold tendrils of dread wrapping tightly around my chest--constricting me, making it hard to breathe--my heart beating in a frenzied rhythm behind my ribs. My hands and feet are cold, vaguely numb; I can feel the hum of adrenaline running through my veins. I'm only barely keeping panic at bay, silencing thoughts with drawings, studying, and fan fiction. I prowl the Help With Life forum on deviantART, because even if I cannot help myself, maybe I can still help others.
I don't feel right. I don't feel well. In all honesty, I am not either of those things. It's as if I am lying askew across the parallel lines of the universe. John keeps texting me and I can hardly suppress my irritation at it. The constant buzzing of my phone is setting me further on edge. I wish I could just tell him Leave me alone. I don't want to talk. I don't want to text. I don't even want to try. Just let me be, so I can take solace in the silence. But that would be mean, and even if I did say it, he could never leave it at that. He would fret and worry and try to comfort me, even though that's the last thing I want.
All I want is for this blasted year to be over. I want to be done with these classes, done with barely treading water. I feel selfish for struggling in my classes. I have friends with 4.0's and much harder classes, yet I'm getting a D in music? Microbiology is understandable--not that I would ever forgive myself if somehow, I don't pass--but music? I don't even know why I'm doing so poorly, other than a bit of tone-deafness. I have to pass ALL of my classes this semester to truly be accepted into CLSC, since my current status is conditional. I might just kill myself if I am barred from my future on account of a godforsaken music class.
My head hurts, I haven't been sleeping much lately. I feel distracted. I am distracted. I'm hoping my Concert Report was passable. I'm hoping to blow my final out of the water (can I at least get a C in this class? That's a bit less shameful than a D). I'm hoping I did my case study correctly. I'm hoping I did well on my final.
I'm worrying that my Concert Report was terrible, that I will do poorly on my final. I'm worrying that I will fail that class. I'm worrying that I got a 50 on my case study, and that I failed my final. I'm worrying that I will get an email saying I was kicked out of the program, and to try again next year. Only there won't be a next year because I might just die. My family will be so disappointed... my friends wouldn't want to associate with such a failure... John would leave me because who would marry someone with no future... I'll be alone. Rejected in every possible way.
I can't stop worrying, because if I do what would happen? Nothing is certain right now. I need answers and I don't have them. I need to consider every possibility. I need to gain control, despite how my life seems to be escaping me like smoke on the wind. I am scared. More scared than I have ever been. When I was failing general chemistry, I knew I could still do a grade replace. It would not be the end of the world if I did not pass. Now everything is different.
All of these feelings are pulling me down. I feel like I have weights strapped to me. I am weary and a part of me simply wants to curl up and hide away, to go back to a time when I was on top of the world and happy. To run back to a time when I wasn't scared all the time, or forcing a smile on my face or turning my fears into anger that I accidentally unleash on those who least deserve it.
Part of me craves comfort, but another part of me needs solitude. I want to talk to my mom, John, my friends... but I also want to shove them away. I'm torn and my adrenal glads just keep pumping out norepinephrine... but I can't run from this. So I worry instead.
Stay safe,
That⊗neChick
I don't feel right. I don't feel well. In all honesty, I am not either of those things. It's as if I am lying askew across the parallel lines of the universe. John keeps texting me and I can hardly suppress my irritation at it. The constant buzzing of my phone is setting me further on edge. I wish I could just tell him Leave me alone. I don't want to talk. I don't want to text. I don't even want to try. Just let me be, so I can take solace in the silence. But that would be mean, and even if I did say it, he could never leave it at that. He would fret and worry and try to comfort me, even though that's the last thing I want.
All I want is for this blasted year to be over. I want to be done with these classes, done with barely treading water. I feel selfish for struggling in my classes. I have friends with 4.0's and much harder classes, yet I'm getting a D in music? Microbiology is understandable--not that I would ever forgive myself if somehow, I don't pass--but music? I don't even know why I'm doing so poorly, other than a bit of tone-deafness. I have to pass ALL of my classes this semester to truly be accepted into CLSC, since my current status is conditional. I might just kill myself if I am barred from my future on account of a godforsaken music class.
My head hurts, I haven't been sleeping much lately. I feel distracted. I am distracted. I'm hoping my Concert Report was passable. I'm hoping to blow my final out of the water (can I at least get a C in this class? That's a bit less shameful than a D). I'm hoping I did my case study correctly. I'm hoping I did well on my final.
I'm worrying that my Concert Report was terrible, that I will do poorly on my final. I'm worrying that I will fail that class. I'm worrying that I got a 50 on my case study, and that I failed my final. I'm worrying that I will get an email saying I was kicked out of the program, and to try again next year. Only there won't be a next year because I might just die. My family will be so disappointed... my friends wouldn't want to associate with such a failure... John would leave me because who would marry someone with no future... I'll be alone. Rejected in every possible way.
I can't stop worrying, because if I do what would happen? Nothing is certain right now. I need answers and I don't have them. I need to consider every possibility. I need to gain control, despite how my life seems to be escaping me like smoke on the wind. I am scared. More scared than I have ever been. When I was failing general chemistry, I knew I could still do a grade replace. It would not be the end of the world if I did not pass. Now everything is different.
All of these feelings are pulling me down. I feel like I have weights strapped to me. I am weary and a part of me simply wants to curl up and hide away, to go back to a time when I was on top of the world and happy. To run back to a time when I wasn't scared all the time, or forcing a smile on my face or turning my fears into anger that I accidentally unleash on those who least deserve it.
Part of me craves comfort, but another part of me needs solitude. I want to talk to my mom, John, my friends... but I also want to shove them away. I'm torn and my adrenal glads just keep pumping out norepinephrine... but I can't run from this. So I worry instead.
Stay safe,
That⊗neChick
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Educational Moments
I want to share something I learned today in World Religions. We just finished with the history of Islam (and what a history it is) and we covered a rather hot button topic in class. You've probably heard of it before, the news likes to toss this word around:
Jihad.
It's a pretty scary word for most people. They conjure images of holy wars, 9/11, and the war on terror.
In reality, the word is grossly misused by both the media and terrorist groups.
It all started out after Mohammad's guardian and uncle, Abu-Tali died. Mohammad had no father, and thus no other male guardian to protect him. He and his followers lived in Mecca at the time and the people of Mecca did not like Mohammad at all. So, he and his followers went North to Medina. While in Medina, Mohammad and his group made a living in the already well-established community doing "camel raids" for people. Eventually they got very good at it and were able to make a name for themselves, and prove they weren't people to be messed with. They often raided camels going to Mecca--taking great care to not kill or hurt anyone.
Well, the people of Mecca got pretty sick of their shenanigans and started fighting back. Hard. The Muslims went to Mohammad and were all "Hey! They're retaliating against us! Our people are dying. Can we do anything about this? Killing is wrong!" So Mohammad asked God what to do. According to Mohammad, God said that they could fight back... under certain rules.**This is the condensed version.
Rule 1: Never ever engage in aggressive jihad. It can only be in defense.
Rule 2: Never ever harm innocents (non-combatants).
Rule 3: Treat captives properly. No torture. No scare-tactics. No ill-treatment at all.
Jihad, literally, means "to struggle." It is the struggle against oneself to be a better person and the struggle against people who oppress them.
The "Just (Just as in "Righteous") War Theory" was based on these rules. That Theory eventually became the basis of modern International Law.
Jihad isn't a new idea. Muslims adopted it from Christians, who adopted it from Jews.
Also, a fatwa, or legal ruling, is often misused. Osama Bin Laden issued a fatwa that justified attacking the United States back in the 90's. Most people remember this and think that any crazy radical can issue a fatwa and declare jihad on anyone.
Not so much.
A fatwa can only be issued by a specially trained legal scholar who is well-versed in the Qu'ran and Hadith. Osama was not certified in any way. Most Muslims frowned upon his behavior, because he was not following their religious laws. His "fatwa" was, in essence, illegal.
So, basically, jihad isn't a scary word and the terrorists get these things just as wrong as the media.
Think of it like this: the terrorist groups are to Islam as what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christians-- a small, loud minority giving everyone else a bad name.
Stay safe,
-That⊗neChick
Jihad.
It's a pretty scary word for most people. They conjure images of holy wars, 9/11, and the war on terror.
In reality, the word is grossly misused by both the media and terrorist groups.
It all started out after Mohammad's guardian and uncle, Abu-Tali died. Mohammad had no father, and thus no other male guardian to protect him. He and his followers lived in Mecca at the time and the people of Mecca did not like Mohammad at all. So, he and his followers went North to Medina. While in Medina, Mohammad and his group made a living in the already well-established community doing "camel raids" for people. Eventually they got very good at it and were able to make a name for themselves, and prove they weren't people to be messed with. They often raided camels going to Mecca--taking great care to not kill or hurt anyone.
Well, the people of Mecca got pretty sick of their shenanigans and started fighting back. Hard. The Muslims went to Mohammad and were all "Hey! They're retaliating against us! Our people are dying. Can we do anything about this? Killing is wrong!" So Mohammad asked God what to do. According to Mohammad, God said that they could fight back... under certain rules.**This is the condensed version.
Rule 1: Never ever engage in aggressive jihad. It can only be in defense.
Rule 2: Never ever harm innocents (non-combatants).
Rule 3: Treat captives properly. No torture. No scare-tactics. No ill-treatment at all.
Jihad, literally, means "to struggle." It is the struggle against oneself to be a better person and the struggle against people who oppress them.
The "Just (Just as in "Righteous") War Theory" was based on these rules. That Theory eventually became the basis of modern International Law.
Jihad isn't a new idea. Muslims adopted it from Christians, who adopted it from Jews.
Also, a fatwa, or legal ruling, is often misused. Osama Bin Laden issued a fatwa that justified attacking the United States back in the 90's. Most people remember this and think that any crazy radical can issue a fatwa and declare jihad on anyone.
Not so much.
A fatwa can only be issued by a specially trained legal scholar who is well-versed in the Qu'ran and Hadith. Osama was not certified in any way. Most Muslims frowned upon his behavior, because he was not following their religious laws. His "fatwa" was, in essence, illegal.
So, basically, jihad isn't a scary word and the terrorists get these things just as wrong as the media.
Think of it like this: the terrorist groups are to Islam as what the Westboro Baptist Church is to Christians-- a small, loud minority giving everyone else a bad name.
Stay safe,
-That⊗neChick
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Religious Moments
I enjoy talking to religious professionals (priests, pastors, monks, etc). I spoke with a priest today and was amazed at how knowledgeable he was. I know I shouldn`t be, after all, he ought to know about his faith.
I like hearing them discuss their faith. Their conviction and belief shines through without them trying to convert me.
I don`t mind when they ask what my personal beliefs are, I simply say I`m on a spiritual journey (which I am) and they seem to be understanding of that. I`ve never felt judged or unwelcome in their presence, as I often feel with some other church-goers. I feel like it`s okay to express academic interest and ask questions--even if they seem like silly questions to someone inside the faith.
I dunno, I wish I could continue visiting churches and having academic conversations with the religious professionals. I call them that because most of them have the equivalence of a Master`s and higher in theology and/or philosophy. I emphasize the "academic" aspect because they treat me like a student and don`t try to convince me to join the church (unless I express the desire to do so).
It makes me sad that the semester is ending, I like my World Religions class.
Stay safe,
-That⊗neChick
I like hearing them discuss their faith. Their conviction and belief shines through without them trying to convert me.
I don`t mind when they ask what my personal beliefs are, I simply say I`m on a spiritual journey (which I am) and they seem to be understanding of that. I`ve never felt judged or unwelcome in their presence, as I often feel with some other church-goers. I feel like it`s okay to express academic interest and ask questions--even if they seem like silly questions to someone inside the faith.
I dunno, I wish I could continue visiting churches and having academic conversations with the religious professionals. I call them that because most of them have the equivalence of a Master`s and higher in theology and/or philosophy. I emphasize the "academic" aspect because they treat me like a student and don`t try to convince me to join the church (unless I express the desire to do so).
It makes me sad that the semester is ending, I like my World Religions class.
Stay safe,
-That⊗neChick
Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Sickening.
Our society, our culture, sometimes makes me physically ill. More so after reading this deviantART journal http://dametora.deviantart.com/journal/39647017/
She is right, frighteningly so. We, as a society, do not teach our sons It is wrong to rape someone. It is wrong to take advantage of someone because of how he or she is dressed or acts. It is wrong, and you will be punished severely. Instead, we teach our daughters to "not get raped." As if she had a choice.
It`s disgusting. It makes me want to cry, for more reasons than I care to disclose.
I take some solace in the fact that I am not the only one horrified by this "rape culture" of ours.
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/story/2011/02/24/mb-professor-concerns-sex-assault-sentence-manitoba.html
http://iamnotacake.wordpress.com/2009/04/27/rape-culture-still-not-funny/ This one made me cry especially. Why? Because it is all true, and that is not how it should be.
http://thecurvature.com/2011/03/10/de-anza-rape-trial-filled-with-victim-blaming-slut-shaming/#comment-20949
This is what our justice system, and our society does to rape victims. They call them sluts, say they were asking for it, blame her. They place the burden of proof upon the victim, the one who was violated, and while doing so shame her. Discredit her.
They do not question the perpetrator so vigorously. They require that he proves HER guilt, rather than proving HIS innocence. He does not get shamed, or insulted, or mistreated as the victim does.
I feel like I might vomit. I swear, when I become a mother, that if I have sons I will teach them that rape is WRONG.
A woman should be able to run naked through the streets without fear of being assaulted. She should never, ever be blamed or put through such injustices.
Stay safe, readers, and spread the word: End victim blaming.
-That⊗neChick
She is right, frighteningly so. We, as a society, do not teach our sons It is wrong to rape someone. It is wrong to take advantage of someone because of how he or she is dressed or acts. It is wrong, and you will be punished severely. Instead, we teach our daughters to "not get raped." As if she had a choice.
It`s disgusting. It makes me want to cry, for more reasons than I care to disclose.
I take some solace in the fact that I am not the only one horrified by this "rape culture" of ours.
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/manitoba/story/2011/02/24/mb-professor-concerns-sex-assault-sentence-manitoba.html
http://iamnotacake.wordpress.com/2009/04/27/rape-culture-still-not-funny/ This one made me cry especially. Why? Because it is all true, and that is not how it should be.
http://thecurvature.com/2011/03/10/de-anza-rape-trial-filled-with-victim-blaming-slut-shaming/#comment-20949
This is what our justice system, and our society does to rape victims. They call them sluts, say they were asking for it, blame her. They place the burden of proof upon the victim, the one who was violated, and while doing so shame her. Discredit her.
They do not question the perpetrator so vigorously. They require that he proves HER guilt, rather than proving HIS innocence. He does not get shamed, or insulted, or mistreated as the victim does.
I feel like I might vomit. I swear, when I become a mother, that if I have sons I will teach them that rape is WRONG.
A woman should be able to run naked through the streets without fear of being assaulted. She should never, ever be blamed or put through such injustices.
Stay safe, readers, and spread the word: End victim blaming.
-That⊗neChick
Tuesday, April 05, 2011
Moments that make you go FFFFFFUUUUUUU
I am actually a bit disappointed that my letter to the editor didn`t get in, but Laura`s did. Her ego is probably going to be super inflated... as if she wasn`t already intolerable. I guess my lovely university didn`t think my letter promoting tolerance to everyone, including the people who disagree with you, was lulzy enough. Maybe it was because I chose to remain anonymous.
I personally think it`s because it promoted actually being civil to everyone, despite our differences, instead of continuing a cat-fight between the GLBTSU and whoever disagrees with them.
Call me mean, but if she tries to approach me about "omg!!!1!one! My letter got into the PAPER I am SO SUPER SPESHUL OHMEHGAHD. Wasn`t it so ELOQUENT?" I`m going to stop being nice and give her a few pieces of my mind. Maybe then she`ll leave me the hell alone.
UGH. To make it worse, my socks are wet.
Stay safe,
That⊗neChick
I personally think it`s because it promoted actually being civil to everyone, despite our differences, instead of continuing a cat-fight between the GLBTSU and whoever disagrees with them.
Call me mean, but if she tries to approach me about "omg!!!1!one! My letter got into the PAPER I am SO SUPER SPESHUL OHMEHGAHD. Wasn`t it so ELOQUENT?" I`m going to stop being nice and give her a few pieces of my mind. Maybe then she`ll leave me the hell alone.
UGH. To make it worse, my socks are wet.
Stay safe,
That⊗neChick
Monday, April 04, 2011
Intolerable Moments
If there is one thing I cannot abide by, it is intolerance. Today, in my music class a girl refused to take notes because we were learning about "terrorist music." In my music appreciation class we are covering world music--the Middle East is a part of the world, too. It isn`t terrorist music just because it comes from the Middle East or because it is Muslim. Her attitude was completely appalling.
In sociology we were taking about social responsibility and race(ism). There were many dubious looks when the professor said race was socially constructed--and even arbitrary. People back in the day decided that anyone who was not European (read: British, or sometimes French) was a second-class citizen. This included not just African Americans, but also Germans and the Irish. She also said that people of Indian descent considered themselves as "white"... until they come to the U.S. where they are considered people of "color".
Hatred and intolerance isn`t just toward blacks/brown people and whites or Christians and Muslims/everybody else, it`s also--apparently-- gays vs straights. I just cannot understand why people invest so much energy in disliking and stereotyping and entire group of people (usually based on a rather loud minority). What does it matter? Is it hurting you? No.
I wrote a letter to the editor of the university newspaper in response to two things: one, a letter to the editor published in the paper about how my university has a "gay/liberal agenda." Two, a letter written by a particularly self-righteous LGBT activist.
Dear Editor,
I don`t understand all of the hatred that is stemming from the response to GLBTSU in the newspaper. What does it matter what someone does in their free time with their genitals? Last time I checked, someone`s sexuality does not define them as a person. The only time someone`s sexuality should matter is when you want to have sex with that person.
The people who oppose the LGBT and the LGBT community need to come to an agreement. That agreement being: I understand that you are different from me, and I do not agree with it, but I also understand that your choice of partner doesn`t make you a bad person. In short, that despite having different views on relationships, they can tolerate each other.
I think that`s what [university] is trying to do--promote a message of tolerance. A message that is lost on some due to their homophobia and/or general disagreement of LGBT lifestyles. I think that message is also lost on some people due to their somewhat overzealous support of the LGBT community.
I think, as a community, we at [university] need to show that we are tolerant of everyone--no matter their race, creed, or sexuality.
Personally, I`m sick of hearing people spew hatred against the GLBTSU. I`m also sick of hearing people spew hatred against people who disagree with the LGBT lifestyles. The world is not simply divided into "gay" or "straight".
I say drop the labels, lose the attitude and realize that the people you`re having problems with are still PEOPLE and deserve respect.
xo- Jane Doe
TL;DR? People can have different opinions/lifestyles/religions/whatever and you don`t have to be a dick about it. You need to accept that the world is full of people who are different than you. You don`t have to like them, or even agree with them... but please, be civil to one another.
Stay safe,
-That⊗neChick
In sociology we were taking about social responsibility and race(ism). There were many dubious looks when the professor said race was socially constructed--and even arbitrary. People back in the day decided that anyone who was not European (read: British, or sometimes French) was a second-class citizen. This included not just African Americans, but also Germans and the Irish. She also said that people of Indian descent considered themselves as "white"... until they come to the U.S. where they are considered people of "color".
Hatred and intolerance isn`t just toward blacks/brown people and whites or Christians and Muslims/everybody else, it`s also--apparently-- gays vs straights. I just cannot understand why people invest so much energy in disliking and stereotyping and entire group of people (usually based on a rather loud minority). What does it matter? Is it hurting you? No.
I wrote a letter to the editor of the university newspaper in response to two things: one, a letter to the editor published in the paper about how my university has a "gay/liberal agenda." Two, a letter written by a particularly self-righteous LGBT activist.
Dear Editor,
I don`t understand all of the hatred that is stemming from the response to GLBTSU in the newspaper. What does it matter what someone does in their free time with their genitals? Last time I checked, someone`s sexuality does not define them as a person. The only time someone`s sexuality should matter is when you want to have sex with that person.
The people who oppose the LGBT and the LGBT community need to come to an agreement. That agreement being: I understand that you are different from me, and I do not agree with it, but I also understand that your choice of partner doesn`t make you a bad person. In short, that despite having different views on relationships, they can tolerate each other.
I think that`s what [university] is trying to do--promote a message of tolerance. A message that is lost on some due to their homophobia and/or general disagreement of LGBT lifestyles. I think that message is also lost on some people due to their somewhat overzealous support of the LGBT community.
I think, as a community, we at [university] need to show that we are tolerant of everyone--no matter their race, creed, or sexuality.
Personally, I`m sick of hearing people spew hatred against the GLBTSU. I`m also sick of hearing people spew hatred against people who disagree with the LGBT lifestyles. The world is not simply divided into "gay" or "straight".
I say drop the labels, lose the attitude and realize that the people you`re having problems with are still PEOPLE and deserve respect.
xo- Jane Doe
TL;DR? People can have different opinions/lifestyles/religions/whatever and you don`t have to be a dick about it. You need to accept that the world is full of people who are different than you. You don`t have to like them, or even agree with them... but please, be civil to one another.
Stay safe,
-That⊗neChick
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