I spend too many moments crying about microbiology

Hello again, cyberspace. I'm alive, barely.



I've been so down-trodden lately. It's no secret that the CLS program is a rigorous one. I'm in classes four days a week from 9am until 4:30pm and I have 4h exams every Monday--plus quizzes and lab practicals throughout the week. It requires a lot of commitment and even more work to get through this 2 year degree program.



Lately, though, I've been wondering why I worked so hard to get into this program. Don't get me wrong--I love it--but I'm not happy anymore and it's all over one class (technically two if you're counting the lab). It's had me crying nearly every day and feeling completely hopeless. The intensity of this single class' workload is going to break me someday--I just know it.



I return to my dorm every day with an aching back from the weight of my backpack and stressed out to the point of yelling (or crying). I'm always irate and I can feel myself getting snippy, especially at the end of the day. I'm not myself.



The material isn't hard, per say, it's just so much to know. I literally cannot memorize something that my professor shows me for a few minutes over a teaching scope or mentions in class. If I could, I'd be getting a pathology degree! As it is, I cannot. It feels like too much for a single person to know--a lot of the information feels very diagnostic (not my job) and it's organized in a way that's very different than what I'll be using in real life.



In real life the laboratory is organized into sub-sections based on where the fluid/sample came from (wound/blood, urine, respiratory, etc) and in class we're learning based on the organism species (Staphylococcus sp, Streptococcus sp, Enterococcus sp, Neiserra, etc). I can see why it's taught by species, each species tends to have a trend of behavior and you can narrow down to a specific organism more easily once it's identified. I get that. I just feel like the amount of information we're required to know is way too much--especially considering I can't devote all of my time to one class, I have 3 other classes and 2 other labs to know everything for as well.



Tests are huge in that class. They're honestly more like finals than tests (and quizzes are like tests). My first 4h exam was over 250 points spread over a hundred multiple guess and matching and then at least 10-15 full blown essay questions. It took me 3 and a half hours to take it and I got a 71 after studying for a week in advance. The scary thing? A 71 is actually a really good score for my major.



Does anyone else see that as a problem? I feel like getting C's across the board should not count as "very good". I think that if one class takes up so much time, energy and effort that students cannot make A's and B's in other classes then something needs to change. This is especially so for people like me who are here on GI Bills or other government funding that require a 2.5 GPA or higher to remain in school. If the people in charge of my funding see me getting C's they're going to think that I'm not trying hard enough and pull me, even though I've been killing myself for those grades.



Speaking of killing myself, I was sick all last weekend with a 102 degree fever and couldn't really study for my most recent test and I know I flunked it. I can't even sugarcoat it--I failed it. The worst part? A lot of the questions on the test hadn't even been covered until this week. I'm sure my classmates and I will raise hell about this once we get the grades back (yikes) but even so--those questions should not have been there. It's unfair to us.



I've honestly never cried during a test (after? yes) but halfway through the test I just broke down and cried silently for a little while.



Every day is a bad day when I have this class. My friends have learned to not ask when they know I've had it because I get stressed out just thinking about it. I honestly feel bad about myself. I think less of myself, I contemplate some pretty unhealthy thoughts more often than I care to admit, I'm not excited or inspired to learn about that subject anymore...



Rather, I've grown to despise it. That shouldn't happen. I'm trying to stay strong, I truly am. I want to overcome and I want to succeed.



Things are just hard right now.

Stay safe,
That⊗neChick

So how many more moments am I gonna have to wait until I get an answer?

So... I saw the doctor on the 6th.

Good news: None of my tests are indicative of Rheumatoid Arthritis. I don't have any of the telltale inflammation that comes with it--so yay.

Bad news: My primary physician who did my initial bloodwork only did an ANA screen, not an ANA titer. Basically what that means is that while my screen is positive they don't know how positive it is. If my titer is below 1:320 then that means I don't have any connective tissue disorder. If it's above 1:320, then it means that my doctor needs to do more tests to find out what's wrong with me.

So, please let it be below 1:320!

Antinuclear Antibody Test Also, ANA may become positive before signs and symptoms of an autoimmune disease develop, so it may take time to tell the meaning of a positive ANA in a person who does not have symptoms. Most positive ANA results don't have significance, so physicians should reassure their patients but should also still be vigilant for development of signs and symptoms that might suggest an autoimmune disease.

That makes me feel a bit better, but I won't be really okay until I get the lab tests back.


Stay safe,
That⊗neChick