Panicked Moments

I feel ill, cold tendrils of dread wrapping tightly around my chest--constricting me, making it hard to breathe--my heart beating in a frenzied rhythm behind my ribs. My hands and feet are cold, vaguely numb; I can feel the hum of adrenaline running through my veins. I'm only barely keeping panic at bay, silencing thoughts with drawings, studying, and fan fiction. I prowl the Help With Life forum on deviantART, because even if I cannot help myself, maybe I can still help others.

I don't feel right. I don't feel well. In all honesty, I am not either of those things. It's as if I am lying askew across the parallel lines of the universe. John keeps texting me and I can hardly suppress my irritation at it. The constant buzzing of my phone is setting me further on edge. I wish I could just tell him Leave me alone. I don't want to talk. I don't want to text. I don't even want to try. Just let me be, so I can take solace in the silence. But that would be mean, and even if I did say it, he could never leave it at that. He would fret and worry and try to comfort me, even though that's the last thing I want.

All I want is for this blasted year to be over. I want to be done with these classes, done with barely treading water. I feel selfish for struggling in my classes. I have friends with 4.0's and much harder classes, yet I'm getting a D in music? Microbiology is understandable--not that I would ever forgive myself if somehow, I don't pass--but music? I don't even know why I'm doing so poorly, other than a bit of tone-deafness. I have to pass ALL of my classes this semester to truly be accepted into CLSC, since my current status is conditional. I might just kill myself if I am barred from my future on account of a godforsaken music class.

My head hurts, I haven't been sleeping much lately. I feel distracted. I am distracted. I'm hoping my Concert Report was passable. I'm hoping to blow my final out of the water (can I at least get a C in this class? That's a bit less shameful than a D). I'm hoping I did my case study correctly. I'm hoping I did well on my final.

I'm worrying that my Concert Report was terrible, that I will do poorly on my final. I'm worrying that I will fail that class. I'm worrying that I got a 50 on my case study, and that I failed my final. I'm worrying that I will get an email saying I was kicked out of the program, and to try again next year. Only there won't be a next year because I might just die. My family will be so disappointed... my friends wouldn't want to associate with such a failure... John would leave me because who would marry someone with no future... I'll be alone. Rejected in every possible way.

I can't stop worrying, because if I do what would happen? Nothing is certain right now. I need answers and I don't have them. I need to consider every possibility. I need to gain control, despite how my life seems to be escaping me like smoke on the wind. I am scared. More scared than I have ever been. When I was failing general chemistry, I knew I could still do a grade replace. It would not be the end of the world if I did not pass. Now everything is different.

All of these feelings are pulling me down. I feel like I have weights strapped to me. I am weary and a part of me simply wants to curl up and hide away, to go back to a time when I was on top of the world and happy. To run back to a time when I wasn't scared all the time, or forcing a smile on my face or turning my fears into anger that I accidentally unleash on those who least deserve it.

Part of me craves comfort, but another part of me needs solitude. I want to talk to my mom, John, my friends... but I also want to shove them away. I'm torn and my adrenal glads just keep pumping out norepinephrine... but I can't run from this. So I worry instead.

Stay safe,
That⊗neChick