Something about reading makes me want to write. I'm not sure what it is, I just feel the overwhelming desire to get words on paper. Text on screen.
I've been listening to Vienna Teng a lot as of late. Her voice is so haunting.
I miss John. Sometimes things get so lost between words and text, speech and screen. I want to share everything with him. My thoughts and feelings and I want to have a conversation with him like we used to. Talk about real things, outside of us. Ideas, people, places... the future. When did we stop sending letters? When did I stop writing my heart out to him? I take it for granted that I can text him all day and skype him at night.
We speak in texts and text and yet we don't talk about anything substantial. No more late-night chat sessions and PM'ing until one of us just had to go to bed. God, I miss it. How do I revive it? I want him back, I want his mind. His words. Not just his love, not just his acceptance. I don't want "Okay sweetheart" I want a discussion!
It's my fault, though. The fact that the discussions went away. They went away when my feelings surfaced and bubbled and dissolved into I love, I love, I love you over and over.
Don't misunderstand: I do love him still. I love him more than anything. I just want the old aspects of our original friendship back--before the "I love you"s muddled our thoughts.
He is so intelligent, and so am I, and I miss using that intelligence when talking to him. Do my parents have those kinds of discussions? Did they ever? Did they lose them, too?
I don't know. I wish he was here. I could hold his face in my hands and feel the warmth that radiates from him... we could talk. Really talk the way you only can when you're in real life and not on the other side of a screen. I want to tell him about everything I'm learning and hold his hands and really see his smile and go on ice cream or coffee dates and just connect.
Connect our hearts and our minds. I want to take him everywhere. New York, Monterey, the Outer Banks, everywhere I've been and everywhere I've never been.
I hate being so far apart.
I wish I could read to him.
Stay safe,
-That⊗neChick
Tell him this. I bet he feels the same way <3
ReplyDeleteI did. He never realized that it had "gone away" and when I pointed it out--he and I made conscious efforts to bring it back. I asked mom about it and she said it's a natural part of young love. That when it (and we) mature, then it'll come back on its own.
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